Frank Burns: It's nice to be nice... to the nice.
Frank Burns: Funny thing, war: never have so many suffered so much so few could be so happy.
Charles: Klinger, you are a gentleman and a lady.
Margaret: Oh, Frank. You're so above average.
Hawkeye: Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?
Radar: [takes a drink of Hawkeye's home-made gin, and grimaces] I thought this stuff was supposed to make you feel better.
B.J.: No. It's supposed to make you feel nothing.
Col. Potter: Please excuse these two, they're themselves today.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I haven't washed my hands since I became a psychiatrist.
Hawkeye: Insanity is just a state of mind
Henry Blake: You're always wrong, Frank. That's what's so right about you.
Radar: My own father didn't have me until he was 63, and the first time we played peek-a-boo together he had a stroke.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: [to Klinger] You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you.
Hawkeye: If you act drunk long enough, you get a REAL hangover.
Colonel Flagg: You think you're real smart. But you're not smart; you're dumb. Very dumb. But you've met your match in me.
Frank Burns: It's the way these yellow devils think. It's burned into their brains. Kill Americans, kill, kill. They don't respect human life the way we do. I'd like to take him out and shoot him.
Frank Burns: Klinger, how dare you wear that hat while in uniform?
Klinger: It's spring, sir.