Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Do you really like me, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: I guess so.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Do you like me a whole lot?
Wally Cleaver: Look, don't get sloppy on me. I might just slug you one.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: We can't just say we're going to be friends. We gotta have an agreement or something.
Larry Mondello: Okay.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I, Beaver Cleaver, swear to die for Larry Mondello and always stick up for him and never snitch on him and be his friend forever.
Wally Cleaver: Boy, Beaver, wait'll the guys find out you were hanging around with a girl. They'll really give you the business.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: But gee, Wally, you hang around with girls and the guys don't give you the business.
Wally Cleaver: Well, that's because I'm in high school. You can do a lot of stuff in high school without getting the business.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Gee Wally, that's swell.
Fred Rutherford: Have to keep a firm hand on boys nowadays, Ward. My Clarence answered me back the other day. I smacked him right in the mouth. None of this psychology for me.
Eddie Haskell: Wally, if your dumb brother tags along, I'm gonna - oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Cleaver. I was just telling Wallace how pleasant it would be for Theodore to accompany us to the movies.
Eddie Haskell: Gee, your kitchen always looks so clean.
June Cleaver: Why, thank you, Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: My mother says it looks as though you never do any work in here.
Ward Cleaver: Beaver, you know what Larry was doing was wrong. You could have stopped him.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Gee, Dad, I have enough trouble keeping myself good without keeping all the other kids good.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: You know something, Wally? I'd rather do nothin' with you than somethin' with anybody else.
Ward Cleaver: How'd the fishing go Beav?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Great Dad. We didn't catch any fish, but Larry and I saw a man slip on a wet rock and heard everything he said.
June Cleaver: Dear, do you think all parents have this much trouble?
Ward Cleaver: No, just parents with children.
Eddie Haskell: Not me! Your father doesn't like me.
Wally Cleaver: Why would you say that?
Eddie Haskell: On account of the way he looks at me when he opens the door. Sometimes I think he'd be happier to see Kruschev standing there.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: How come Eddie's such a creepy guy?
Wally Cleaver: He works at it.
Wally Cleaver: Did Dad hit ya?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: No.
Wally Cleaver: Did he yell at ya?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: No.
Wally Cleaver: Then why ya cryin'?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Sometimes things get so messed up, crying is the only thing you can do.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: If I had my choice between a three pound bass and a girl, I'd take the three pound bass.
[June has prepared a lovely dinner of barbecued pork ribs]
Ward Cleaver: Well, you boys are very quiet tonight. What are you thinking about?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I was just thinkin' what I'd do if I was a pig eatin' peoples ribs.
June Cleaver: Beaver, please.
Wally Cleaver: Hi Dad. I didn't do anything.
Ward Cleaver: Why do you say that?
Wally Cleaver: Well, I don't know, but, uh, you have that look on your face like somebody did something.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I wouldn't wanna do anything to hurt God. He's got enough trouble with the Russians and all.
[Ward has opened the car door for June to enter]
June Cleaver: Thank you dear. It's so sweet of you to be the thoughtful husband after all these years.
Ward Cleaver: You’re very welcome. Besides the neighbors might be watching.
[Wally's in love]
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: What's the matter with you, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: Whatta' you mean what's the matter with me?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: You look like that time you ate all those rotten eclairs you found in the trash behind the supermarket.
Ward Cleaver: A man never gets so old, that he forgets how it was being a little boy.
[are having a talk about girls]
Wally Cleaver: I guess girls stop makin' ya' sick just about the same time baths stop makin' ya' sick.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: How will I know when it happens to me?
Wally Cleaver: Well, one of these days when you're checkin' your own ears for dirt, girls will start lookin' good to ya'.
[Wally is cutting the Beaver's hair after he "losted" his haircut money]
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Are ya' finished yet, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: Well, I don't know if I'm finished, but I think I better stop.